For years the idea of 'The One' has always bothered me. The last few weeks this train of thought has been tumbling around in my brain. As I'm sure you already gathered from the title of this blog, I don't believe in idea of 'The One.' Here are some main reasons why I feel so strongly about this subject:
1. The idea of there being only one person out there that you are supposed to be with is absolutely terrifying to me. I can't imagine ever committing myself to someone if I believed this. I believe a lot of the stress that many women experience when dealing with commitment can be linked back to this idea. For me, it would lead to a big struggle not to compare every guy I went out with to every man that I've ever seen in a movie, encountered for the briefest moment, heard my friends tell me about, imagined in my mind, etc. Every moment I spent with any man would be clouded by the thought in my brain of 'Is he The One?' I'd be scared to commit myself to any man for fear that 'The One' was still out there somewhere, waiting for me. I have a friend that was so set on what her 'One' would be like, she wouldn't even date guys that didn't meet all her requirements. She believed strongly in 'The One' and didn't want to deal with messy complications if she cared for someone that wasn't 'The One.' She spent a lot of years lonely and worried that she had somehow missed him one day when she wasn't paying attention. She is now happily married to someone that is nothing like the guy she had imagined. Once she opened herself up to the possibility that she could be happy with someone that didn't match her idea of 'The One' completely, she was able to find happiness. I have seen many friends have this dilemma. Many conversations have gone in the direction of, 'I like him, but I'm not sure if he's The One.' It has lead to a lot of confusion, hurt, and trouble committing to anyone.
2. The idea of 'The One' has caused a lot of hurt in many different situations. I know people that are in an abusive situation and won't leave because they are convinced that he is 'The One' for them.
They don't believe that they could find happiness with anyone else because they have found the person they are destined to be with. It breaks my heart to see some friends of mine go through this. I have also seen situations where one of the parties cheats, leaving the other shattered completely. In this situation, it is near impossible for the party that was cheated on to move on, to gain closure, because they are convinced that they were with 'The One.' Although he may have made a mistake, it should be forgiven and forgotten because he is 'The One' she is supposed to be with. I want to be clear, a relationship between two people is no one's business but their own. I am not making a judgement on anyone who chose to forgive and forget, because that is each person's own decision to make and no one's place to judge. I am simply saying that I believe the ideology of 'The One' leads to a lot of people not having the courage or self-confidence to move on and leave an unhealthy relationship.
3. Choosing to be with someone isn't about finding someone that is perfect for you. This implies that you two will agree on everything and your life together will be perfect because you are perfect for each other. Choosing to be with someone is about finding someone that is willing to adapt for you and that you are willing to adapt for. You will never find someone that agrees with you on everything. That doesn't mean that you aren't meant to be with this person, it just means you will both need to learn to agree to disagree. I believe that each person chooses their 'One' and commits to making the relationship work. As soon as this commitment is reached, then I believe that 'One' truly is the 'One.' By this I mean that once a person commits himself/herself fully to another person, no one else can make that person happier. Some would argue that this is the idea of the 'One.' The difference here is that it is each person's choice who they will be their 'One.'
I don't have any children yet, but I know when I have a daughter of my own I will teach her what my mother taught me. It is important to be with someone you love, but it is more important to be with someone that makes you love yourself. I want my future daughter to understand that choosing to be with someone is just that. A choice. It's not destined. It's not something as dramatic as the stars aligning once you've met 'The One.' It's a big decision that requires time and a lot of thought. It shouldn't be taken lightly, and it shouldn't be rushed.
I don't want this to be taken as though I believe that anyone can be happy with anyone. Obviously that is not true. I guess that, really, all I'm trying to say is that I find the idea of 'The One' to be a dangerous one that can lead to a lot of hurt and fear. I know a lot of people that believe in 'The One' and have found him/her. I am not trying to belittle their relationship, I have just made the decision to put my own point of view out there. I love my husband and he makes me very happy, but I believe that this is by choice. We chose each other of our own free will and we choose to continue allowing the other to make us happy. My husband is my 'One' because I chose to him to be so (and vice versa), not because he was destined to be so. I have no desire to be with anyone else, but I also don't believe that fate decided my husband for me. That one is all on me :)
