1. Stepping back from religion has caused me to really sit down and figure out who I am. Growing up, I always took the lessons of 'constantly improve yourself,' to heart...probably more than I should have. I was never content with who I was. I was incredibly insecure; which led me to be attention-seeking, selfish, and cruel to those that I deemed unimportant. I saw a certain mold of who I was supposed to be, who God wanted me to be, and no matter how hard I tried - I could never fit into this mold I set for myself. I am NOT saying that anyone else told me that I was not good enough the way I was, this was something I placed on myself. I felt like I couldn't express this to anyone because admitting I was struggling would be admitting that I wasn't the person I felt I should be.
Over the past year, I have struggled with my image of who I am more than I have in my entire life. I felt awful for considering leaving the church I was raised in, because I was raised by two parents who have found incredible happiness in it. Members of the LDS church have been there for me all my life and I felt that by even considering leaving the religion I was raised in, I was being ungrateful towards them. I struggled with depression and shame. I was embarrassed about the thoughts I was having and was worried someone would notice. Looking back now, I can see how ridiculous I was being...but at the time it was my biggest fear. I cannot begin to describe the weight that was lifted off my shoulders when I finally confronted that fear six months ago. I decided to tell my immediate family members and closest friends how I felt. I'm not going to claim it was easy or went smoothly, but the feeling of relief that came over me over the next couple weeks was a welcome companion. As more time has passed, I've been able to see myself in clearer eyes. Without the constant expectations that I had placed upon myself, I could be happy with the person I am. I still have my insecurities just like anyone else, but they no longer take over and change who I am.
2. I have my own sense of what is right and what is wrong. I don't know if others have felt this way, but for years I have held onto religion so hard because I didn't trust myself to make any moral decisions on my own. I worried that without religion to tell me what is right and wrong, I would suddenly become a person devoid of any conscience. As it turns out, I actually do have a conscience. I can determine for myself the things I should do, and the things I should not do.
3. I have learned to trust myself more. I used to feel the need to look to others or to religion in a situation that I hadn't encountered before. I didn't trust myself to make the tough decisions that life sometimes requires. I had trouble committing to anyone or anything because I was worried I would make the wrong choice. I was constantly not following through when I should have and I hated that about myself. Now I am confident enough in my abilities that I can make choices without having a cloud of indecision hanging around me.
4. I am able to focus on important relationships more than before. I spend much less time thinking of myself and my own decisions and focusing instead on those that are close to me and how my decisions affect them.
5. The LDS culture puts a large emphasis on constantly doing more. Helping a neighbor, doing your visiting teaching, attending mutual/enrichment/ward activities. Constantly keeping busy is a large part of being an active member of the LDS church. For an introverted person, all the different activities and responsibilities that come with being active are overwhelming. Personally, if I don't get my daily down-time, I tend to shut down. Adding church activities to my normal day to day routine of school, work, household chores, and wanting to spend time with my friends/family was too much for me. I spent a lot of time either avoiding church activities in favor of my downtime and feeling guilty, or attending the church activities and being incredibly antisocial because I hadn't gotten my downtime. Downtime for me was a rarity, and the downtime I had wasn't relaxing because I felt I should be doing something instead. This resulted in me being constantly on edge with my friends and family. I found myself shutting down and shutting out those that were close to me. Now that I have left religion, I find that I am more accepting of the fact that I am an introvert. Having my downtime has actually made me a bit more social. I am more open to my friends, put more effort into my relationships, and find myself happier in my day-to-day activities.
I am the person I am in large part because of the religion I grew up in. I do not and will not hate the LDS church, I am simply choosing not to be a part of it anymore. I've accepted that, for me, having a relationship with God outside of an organized religion is what works best for me. I don't look down on anyone that doesn't share that same view as me. My biggest hesitation in posting this is that my family members and friends that don't know about my decision will think I am bitter towards the LDS church or towards them for being members of it. I only write this to explain why I made my decision and why I'm a better person for leaving.
