Why Quitting Religion Has Made Me A Better Person

I have been contemplating and putting together this blog post for about five months now. There are a lot of things that I have been so unsure how to phrase without offending people I'm close to and care about. This post is not meant to give the idea that I look down on anyone or what they believe, it is meant to be an explanation for those that have asked for one. This is not a blanket statement about how everyone should feel, it's just me trying to explain why I feel that I am better when I am not part of a church.

1. Stepping back from religion has caused me to really sit down and figure out who I am. Growing up, I always took the lessons of 'constantly improve yourself,' to heart...probably more than I should have. I was never content with who I was. I was incredibly insecure; which led me to be attention-seeking, selfish, and cruel to those that I deemed unimportant. I saw a certain mold of who I was supposed to be, who God wanted me to be, and no matter how hard I tried - I could never fit into this mold I set for myself. I am NOT saying that anyone else told me that I was not good enough the way I was, this was something I placed on myself. I felt like I couldn't express this to anyone because admitting I was struggling would be admitting that I wasn't the person I felt I should be.

Over the past year, I have struggled with my image of who I am more than I have in my entire life. I felt awful for considering leaving the church I was raised in, because I was raised by two parents who have found incredible happiness in it. Members of the LDS church have been there for me all my life and I felt that by even considering leaving the religion I was raised in, I was being ungrateful towards them. I struggled with depression and shame. I was embarrassed about the thoughts I was having and was worried someone would notice. Looking back now, I can see how ridiculous I was being...but at the time it was my biggest fear. I cannot begin to describe the weight that was lifted off my shoulders when I finally confronted that fear six months ago. I decided to tell my immediate family members and closest friends how I felt. I'm not going to claim it was easy or went smoothly, but the feeling of relief that came over me over the next couple weeks was a welcome companion. As more time has passed, I've been able to see myself in clearer eyes. Without the constant expectations that I had placed upon myself, I could be happy with the person I am. I still have my insecurities just like anyone else, but they no longer take over and change who I am.

2. I have my own sense of what is right and what is wrong. I don't know if others have felt this way, but for years I have held onto religion so hard because I didn't trust myself to make any moral decisions on my own. I worried that without religion to tell me what is right and wrong, I would suddenly become a person devoid of any conscience. As it turns out, I actually do have a conscience. I can determine for myself the things I should do, and the things I should not do. 

3. I have learned to trust myself more. I used to feel the need to look to others or to religion in a situation that I hadn't encountered before. I didn't trust myself to make the tough decisions that life sometimes requires. I had trouble committing to anyone or anything because I was worried I would make the wrong choice. I was constantly not following through when I should have and I hated that about myself. Now I am confident enough in my abilities that I can make choices without having a cloud of indecision hanging around me.

4. I am able to focus on important relationships more than before. I spend much less time thinking of myself and my own decisions and focusing instead on those that are close to me and how my decisions affect them.

5. The LDS culture puts a large emphasis on constantly doing more. Helping a neighbor, doing your visiting teaching, attending mutual/enrichment/ward activities. Constantly keeping busy is a large part of being an active member of the LDS church. For an introverted person, all the different activities and responsibilities that come with being active are overwhelming. Personally, if I don't get my daily down-time, I tend to shut down. Adding church activities to my normal day to day routine of school, work, household chores, and wanting to spend time with my friends/family was too much for me. I spent a lot of time either avoiding church activities in favor of my downtime and feeling guilty, or attending the church activities and being incredibly antisocial because I hadn't gotten my downtime. Downtime for me was a rarity, and the downtime I had wasn't relaxing because I felt I should be doing something instead. This resulted in me being constantly on edge with my friends and family. I found myself shutting down and shutting out those that were close to me. Now that I have left religion, I find that I am more accepting of the fact that I am an introvert. Having my downtime has actually made me a bit more social. I am more open to my friends, put more effort into my relationships, and find myself happier in my day-to-day activities.

I am the person I am in large part because of the religion I grew up in. I do not and will not hate the LDS church, I am simply choosing not to be a part of it anymore. I've accepted that, for me, having a relationship with God outside of an organized religion is what works best for me. I don't look down on anyone that doesn't share that same view as me. My biggest hesitation in posting this is that my family members and friends that don't know about my decision will think I am bitter towards the LDS church or towards them for being members of it. I only write this to explain why I made my decision and why I'm a better person for leaving.    

The Greatest Great-Grandma

Yesterday my Great-Grandma Parry passed away....emphasis is on GREAT. She is an incredible woman and as I reflect upon her impact on my life, there are a few memories that I feel inclined to share:

- My grandma is the most loving person I've ever known. She has a quick wit and a great sense of humor. She is one of those people that has a unique gift in making everyone she is around feel special. I remember as a child thinking I was her very favorite, only to find out that all my cousins felt the same way.
- Grandma would set up one-on-one dates with me (and I'm sure all her other grandchildren) where it would be just me and her, doing whatever I wanted to do. It almost always resulted in a card game or a craft of sorts. She would tell me the things I did or the expressions I had that reminded her so much of my Grandma Roe (her daughter). Some of my favorite memories from my childhood come from these special grandma dates.
- Grandma is one of the craftiest people I know. She had each of her grandchildren that were interested make these hand-made Santas that she would display all over her house each Christmas. It was a Christmas tradition of mine each year to find where my Santa was in her house. She has SO MANY grandkids. I can't even begin to guess how many grand, great-grand, and great-great grand children she has. But every year for Christmas until each grandchild's 16th birthday, Grandma made a hand-made Christmas ornament. It's a household Christmas necessity in our clan. There are also an uncountable number of hand-stitched quilts that were gifts from Grandma.
- The Parry cabin is a special place indeed. I remember many 'late' cabin nights spent playing card games and laughing with Grandma and the family. I don't know anyone that love Canasta quite as much as Grandma Parry. She would always pick me for her team because she was convinced I had a special talent for grabbing the exact amount of cards each time I dealt. I'm pretty sure I only got lucky and had this happen one time, but Grandma still insisted I was the best at it. Just another example of how she made those around her feel special.
- Grandma is incredibly patient. She is one of the only people in my life that did not lose patience with me when I was a child (which, if you knew me as a child, is an incredible feat). When I bullied and was mean to my younger cousins, she would take me aside and gently admonish me and help me see the error of my ways. She taught me to always think of others feelings before I allowed myself to act on mine.
- Every Halloween, Grandma's house was a must-stop location. She would make home-made apple cider for her grandkids to enjoy. Halloween in Idaho was freezing most years, a lot of years there was snow on the ground. Apple cider has been a Halloween tradition in my adult years because of Grandma's example.
-Grandma never missed one of my home sport games. Her and Grandpa were at every basketball, volleyball, softball, etc game while I was growing up. I remember after a particularly AWFUL basketball game, Grandma took me aside and pointed out all the good plays I had and told me to focus on the good I had done and work to improve the areas I thought I had performed badly in.

I am so very happy that Grandma is reunited with the daughters she lost to cancer years ago, but my heart aches that she is no longer here with us. I know that the reunions in heaven are joy-filled and tearful, and I couldn't wish for a happier day for my Grandma than that. She will be greatly missed every day by many. I love and miss you Grandma!

Why I don't believe in 'The One'

"He's THE ONE."

For years the idea of 'The One' has always bothered me. The last few weeks this train of thought has been tumbling around in my brain. As I'm sure you already gathered from the title of this blog, I don't believe in idea of 'The One.' Here are some main reasons why I feel so strongly about this subject:

1. The idea of there being only one person out there that you are supposed to be with is absolutely terrifying to me. I can't imagine ever committing myself to someone if I believed this. I believe a lot of the stress that many women experience when dealing with commitment can be linked back to this idea. For me, it would lead to a big struggle not to compare every guy I went out with to every man that I've ever seen in a movie, encountered for the briefest moment, heard my friends tell me about, imagined in my mind, etc. Every moment I spent with any man would be clouded by the thought in my brain of 'Is he The One?' I'd be scared to commit myself to any man for fear that 'The One' was still out there somewhere, waiting for me. I have a friend that was so set on what her 'One' would be like, she wouldn't even date guys that didn't meet all her requirements. She believed strongly in 'The One' and didn't want to deal with messy complications if she cared for someone that wasn't 'The One.' She spent a lot of years lonely and worried that she had somehow missed him one day when she wasn't paying attention. She is now happily married to someone that is nothing like the guy she had imagined. Once she opened herself up to the possibility that she could be happy with someone that didn't match her idea of 'The One' completely, she was able to find happiness. I have seen many friends have this dilemma. Many conversations have gone in the direction of, 'I like him, but I'm not sure if he's The One.' It has lead to a lot of confusion, hurt, and trouble committing to anyone.

2. The idea of 'The One' has caused a lot of hurt in many different situations. I know people that are in an abusive situation and won't leave because they are convinced that he is 'The One' for them. 
They don't believe that they could find happiness with anyone else because they have found the person they are destined to be with. It breaks my heart to see some friends of mine go through this. I have also seen situations where one of the parties cheats, leaving the other shattered completely. In this situation, it is near impossible for the party that was cheated on to move on, to gain closure, because they are convinced that they were with 'The One.' Although he may have made a mistake, it should be forgiven and forgotten because he is 'The One' she is supposed to be with. I want to be clear, a relationship between two people is no one's business but their own. I am not making a judgement on anyone who chose to forgive and forget, because that is each person's own decision to make and no one's place to judge. I am simply saying that I believe the ideology of 'The One' leads to a lot of people not having the courage or self-confidence to move on and leave an unhealthy relationship.

3. Choosing to be with someone isn't about finding someone that is perfect for you. This implies that you two will agree on everything and your life together will be perfect because you are perfect for each other. Choosing to be with someone is about finding someone that is willing to adapt for you and that you are willing to adapt for. You will never find someone that agrees with you on everything. That doesn't mean that you aren't meant to be with this person, it just means you will both need to learn to agree to disagree. I believe that each person chooses their 'One' and commits to making the relationship work. As soon as this commitment is reached, then I believe that 'One' truly is the 'One.' By this I mean that once a person commits himself/herself fully to another person, no one else can make that person happier. Some would argue that this is the idea of the 'One.' The difference here is that it is each person's choice who they will be their 'One.'

I don't have any children yet, but I know when I have a daughter of my own I will teach her what my mother taught me. It is important to be with someone you love, but it is more important to be with someone that makes you love yourself. I want my future daughter to understand that choosing to be with someone is just that. A choice. It's not destined. It's not something as dramatic as the stars aligning once you've met 'The One.' It's a big decision that requires time and a lot of thought. It shouldn't be taken lightly, and it shouldn't be rushed.

I don't want this to be taken as though I believe that anyone can be happy with anyone. Obviously that is not true. I guess that, really, all I'm trying to say is that I find the idea of 'The One' to be a dangerous one that can lead to a lot of hurt and fear. I know a lot of people that believe in 'The One' and have found him/her. I am not trying to belittle their relationship, I have just made the decision to put my own point of view out there. I love my husband and he makes me very happy, but I believe that this is by choice. We chose each other of our own free will and we choose to continue allowing the other to make us happy. My husband is my 'One' because I chose to him to be so (and vice versa), not because he was destined to be so. I have no desire to be with anyone else, but I also don't believe that fate decided my husband for me. That one is all on me :)